the idea of him
It is mostly in the supermarket that I feel like crying. Maybe that’s because it’s the only place I have been alone for weeks. Maybe it’s the vegetables. Today I am crying everywhere. My son is suicidal. My beautiful, unique kid sees no point in living. My heart is broken. What bigger failure can there be for a mother, for their child not to love and live their life, not to even think it worth living? And I am trying, really trying, to get the help, try the meds, exercise, to connect. To get help from the school, take him to hospital, be with him, keep him safe. Keep him safe. None of it helps. None of it. This is the rich fondant icing on what feels like the multi-layer failure cake of my life. There s no part of my life in which I have not failed. I have failed everyone and everything. Especially myself. If I died today I would think “What a fucking tragedy. I literally achieved nothing and broke everything I touche